Friday, January 13

I WORRY

1. I worry about my car. Affectionately dubbed “The Starship,” my car is a rather new purchase, a dependable and compact Honda Civic that somewhat resembles something from the Ringling Brothers. In case a Civic weren’t small enough, consider the fact that it’s a coupe. I took it to the local baby superstore to try out various infant car seats in the back seat. Only one worked. Now, I’m not saying that the majority of car seats were snug, or that there wasn’t much room when I tried them; I’m saying that both front seats were impossible to lock in place when the car seat was installed properly. So even if Baby B. is buckled in safely, I’ll be sliding forward and backward as I man the Starship. Needless to say, my car seat options are mighty slim pickin’s.

2. I worry about my finances. Babies are expensive. And even though I hold a special place in my heart for Microsoft Excel and I adore creating spreadsheets, I detest my semi-weekly review of my current budget vs. apr├Ęs-baby budget.

3. I worry about the first night. I don’t think I know anyone else who’s raised a baby totally on her own, right from the very beginning. I’ve heard from people who have “had someone there, but he wasn’t much help,” etc. But even if their support persons weren’t much support, they still had someone else there. I’m absolutely terrified of the first night I’ll spend alone with this new little person.

4. I worry that I end too many phrases with “That’s what she said.”

5. I worry about baby-proofing my home. Example: At this very moment, I have a Nicaraguan machete leaning against the wall on the floor near my dining room table. What am I supposed to do with that?

6. I worry about how I’m going to get a tan. Skin cancer awareness groups, avert your eyes… I like the tanner. A) I may not be able to afford it anymore, and B) I can’t bring the baby to the tanning salon with me. Now what?

7. I worry about my wardrobe. Now that I’ll be spending all my time and money shopping for the little person in my life, how am I supposed to maintain my own fashion? Call me a materialistic bum if you want, but I won’t deny that I’m worried about it.

8. I worry about not having time to myself. I worry about no longer knowing peace and quiet.

9. I worry about being single. Like any other young woman, I want to find love. I want to find Mr. Right. I thought it was hard before. I think it just got a gazillion times harder.

10. I worry about being selfish. (see numbers 5-9)

11. I worry about fighting the urge to down the whole jar of baby food myself while feeding Baby B. My name is Melanie and I’m a huge sucker for baby food pears and plums.  I was born this way.

12. I worry about blaming Baby B. for the changes he/she will bring to my life. I worry that I’ll forget to remind myself that Baby B. is a human to be loved, not an inconvenience to be managed.

13. I worry about setting a good example for Baby B. How am I supposed to teach Baby B. all the right things when I’m far from perfect? Isn’t that hypocritical?

14. Above all, I worry about the day when my child asks me where Daddy is. I worry that Baby B. will wonder why every other kid in daycare sees his/her father, even if only part-time, and Baby B. has never met this “dad” person. I worry that Baby B. will wonder why he/she wasn’t good enough for Daddy to want to be a part of our life. I worry that Baby B. will resent me for making poor decisions, or for not choosing adoption so that Baby B. could have a mom AND a dad. I worry that Baby B. will grow up missing out on a huge part of childhood because we’ll be absent a parent. I worry that I won’t be enough. I can hide the machete and do without tanning sessions. I can fight the urge to eat the baby food pears, and I can go without a new pair of jeans. But I can’t be a dad. I guess I’ll just have to be the best mom I can be.

4 comments:

  1. Some of this is heartbreaking stuff, especially number 14. You are always in my prayers, m'ija, for God to provide someone special to come into your life and love you (and baby) the way you deserve to be loved and cherished. Always here for you....Mom

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  2. Mel, worry is just a word like what if. There are sometimes no answer. Remember God will always give you no more than you can handle. You will be a great mommy.all of these worries and what if will change many times in your life. #11 made me laugh I used to eat the kids apples & bananas. They never starved. LOL. Love you & baby B
    Grammie Wanless

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  3. You will be a great influence and example for Baby B. There are men in your family and in your life that will surely be willing to be the male role model in Baby's life. Family and friends will always be there for you both. You are in our thoughts and always wish you well. Take each day, hour, and minute, one at a time. Things will come to you naturally. Motherhood is a lot of instinct and also things you learned from Mom and Grandmas. You have been blessed with the best of both and they will always be there with advice and help.
    Sally and Steve

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  4. Oh Mel, your blog moves me to tears every time I read it - brings up memories AND has me cheering for you and Baby B. Technically, I was not "alone" when I had my son, but I may have well as been...and still am for that matter. I was older than you are now when I had my son, but still did not have the same insight that you have now. He's 9 now, so I have a little more insight (only a little).

    In response to my worry about me and my baby's future, a friend told me that the Lord gives us what we need when we need it. I also truly believe (and love the thought) that while I was worrying and praying for our future, my child chose me. So, Mel, Baby B already knows what you continue to show us all through your words - you are an amazing mother (AND dad) - it'a aleady been decided and there was never any doubt. Please know that just as much as you chose this, so did Baby B.

    I'm so excited and happy for you both - Congratulations!!
    Pam Wanless

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