Lately I've been poring over the journal in which I scribbled all my thoughts, my hopes and fears, during the first few months of pregnancy. I'm unsure whether this is God's good humor or whether it's just a dumb concidence, but on the very first page is the following inscription:
The journal was a gift from Baby B's father -- one he gave me long ago. Below the inscription he wrote this:
That feels like it was so long ago, that I was in a totally different world as a totally different person on that day when I was able to see my baby for the first time. My emotions had gone crazy. I was elated and scared and terrified and awed, all at the same time. I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen. And to be honest, when I look at my most recent ultrasound picture, I can't see anything but love. I can't imagine feeling anything but love. And while I'm still a little terrified, that's normal for a new mom. I have no doubt that things will work out. My faith is strong and I'm prepared to face the vast unknown that comes with bringing a baby into the world.
I write this at the risk of many people telling me that I'm wrong for even sharing something like this - for sharing the ups and downs of my unplanned pregnancy. There might be many people out there who will call me a terrible mother for it, but I don't care. I'm glad that I'm able to look back at those sad entries in my journal and be proud of the choice I made. Maybe that's my point: everyone has a choice when faced with a scary situation. The choice you make is up to you and only you (no one can make that decision for you). But no matter what you choose, you're the one who will ultimately have to live with the consequences of your decision.
I'm about 3 weeks away from meeting the consequences of my decision-- meeting the most beautiful person I'll ever know. And to me, that's certainly something to celebrate. Indeed: two hearts into one... even if it didn't happen the "right" way, and even if Baby B. will grow up knowing only one of those two original hearts, that little heart will be beating in the outside world in a few weeks, and its owner will be met with more love than anyone could ever imagine. To everyone who's expressed his or her love to me and Baby B: thank you. Baby B. is already the luckiest little person in the whole world.