I almost don't want to admit this, but...
I watched my very first episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" tonight.
I've officially lost a half hour of my life.
I will never get those 30 horrific minutes back.
First off, does anyone remember what TLC actually stands for? (Hint: the "L" stands for Learning.)
The only thing I learned in the past half hour is how not to raise my own daughter.
There's just something right about seeing this family in action. Why is this show the epitome of classy, you ask? Let me enlighten you. You've got:
- one ridiculously... um... over-the-top Mama Boo Boo (I can't even think of a word to describe her... and I like words)
- one nearly-silent patriarch ("Sugar Bear"), who is not married to Mama, but is her "shack-em-up mate"
- Alana's three older sisters, who were unfortunate enough to be born into this WEIRD family (and, as a side note, all of whom all have different fathers)
- one attention-starved, hyperactive, and annoying Alana, who spends more time shouting and diva-chanting than putting together semi-acceptable sentences
- unintelligible conversations among the family (you can hardly hear any vowels... it's basically just a bunch of consonants running together)
- endless ear-piercing shrieks from Glitzy the pig
- [possibly] unintentional bodily functions... flatulence, burps, etc
- random expletives from all members of the family
- obsessive-extreme couponing - yielding an entire stockroom of unnecessary products
- one house in rural Georgia, decorated in year-round Christmas lights (cliche, anyone?)
- one "bomb-diggity glitz dress" for Alana's pageants, which set the family back a couple thousand dollars
- more "y'all"s than any one human should be subjected to in one half-hour sitting
What does this family do in their spare time? Alana's dad Sugar Bear says, "We love to get road kill, and we like to clean it, grind it up, process it, put it in the freezer, and then on the weekends, grill out and have a good time."
... it can't just be my vegetarian self that thinks there's something wrong with that. You carnivores have to agree... right?
Oh, and somewhere in there, I saw a commercial for Honey Boo Boo ringtones. Pardon me, but I just don't understand the appeal of my phone chanting "a dolla make me holla, honey boo boo" while I'm in public. I suppose you might expect to hear it coming from inside the fake Coach purse of someone digging through the $5 DVD bins at Wal-Mart. But you will never hear it coming from my phone.
And then along comes a commercial for a new show called "Breaking Amish," which depicts several Amish teens who have left their Amish lives to explore a more modern way of life in NYC, risking being shunned by their Amish communities. Wow, TLC. I'd call that a step up.
... I think this is a sign that it's probably time to cancel the cable.
P.S. If you remember, we loooove Harry Belafonte. And he just happens to have a song called "Mama Look-a Boo Boo," of which the lyrics are just too appropriate.