Wednesday, September 5

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, There Goes My Lunch

I almost don't want to admit this, but...
I watched my very first episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" tonight.
I've officially lost a half hour of my life.
I will never get those 30 horrific minutes back.

First off, does anyone remember what TLC actually stands for?  (Hint: the "L" stands for Learning.)  

The only thing I learned in the past half hour is how not to raise my own daughter.

On this particular episode, 7-year-old Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson is helping to plan the baby shower for her 17-year-old sister Anna "Chickadee."  Yep, 17.  The girls' mom was 15 years old when she gave birth to Anna.  Do the math (which, according to this episode, is a little difficult for Mama Boo Boo, who couldn't subtract $0.60 from $1.49).  Go ahead, do it.  Yep, that makes Mama Boo Boo a 32-year-old grandma.  And when Alana wasn't chasing her pet pig Glitzy around the pretty pink pack'n'play, the family was watching and laughing as the pig defecated on the kitchen table.  ON.  THE.  KITCHEN.  TABLE.

There's just something right about seeing this family in action.  Why is this show the epitome of classy, you ask?  Let me enlighten you.  You've got:
  • one ridiculously... um... over-the-top Mama Boo Boo (I can't even think of a word to describe her... and I like words)
  • one nearly-silent patriarch ("Sugar Bear"), who is not married to Mama, but is her "shack-em-up mate"
  • Alana's three older sisters, who were unfortunate enough to be born into this WEIRD family (and, as a side note, all of whom all have different fathers)
  • one attention-starved, hyperactive, and annoying Alana, who spends more time shouting and diva-chanting than putting together semi-acceptable sentences
  • unintelligible conversations among the family (you can hardly hear any vowels... it's basically just a bunch of consonants running together)
  • endless ear-piercing shrieks from Glitzy the pig
  • [possibly] unintentional bodily functions... flatulence, burps, etc
  • random expletives from all members of the family
  • obsessive-extreme couponing - yielding an entire stockroom of unnecessary products
  • one house in rural Georgia, decorated in year-round Christmas lights (cliche, anyone?)
  • one "bomb-diggity glitz dress" for Alana's pageants, which set the family back a couple thousand dollars
  • more "y'all"s than any one human should be subjected to in one half-hour sitting
What does this family do in their spare time?  Alana's dad Sugar Bear says, "We love to get road kill, and we like to clean it, grind it up, process it, put it in the freezer, and then on the weekends, grill out and have a good time."  

Um... {crickets}
... it can't just be my vegetarian self that thinks there's something wrong with that.  You carnivores have to agree... right?

Oh, and somewhere in there, I saw a commercial for Honey Boo Boo ringtones.  Pardon me, but I just don't understand the appeal of my phone chanting "a dolla make me holla, honey boo boo" while I'm in public.  I suppose you might expect to hear it coming from inside the fake Coach purse of someone digging through the $5 DVD bins at Wal-Mart.  But you will never hear it coming from my phone.

And then along comes a commercial for a new show called "Breaking Amish," which depicts several Amish teens who have left their Amish lives to explore a more modern way of life in NYC, risking being shunned by their Amish communities.  Wow, TLC.  I'd call that a step up.

... I think this is a sign that it's probably time to cancel the cable.

P.S. If you remember, we loooove Harry Belafonte.  And he just happens to have a song called "Mama Look-a Boo Boo," of which the lyrics are just too appropriate.


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Emily! Who knew that Harry Belafonte knew the demise of society was Honey Boo Boo?

  2. Remind me not and I repeat NOT watch that show when I get cable back on, paleaseee

  3. One of the most popular shows on TV. And if it didn't show up in the book of Revelation along with other signs of the end times like dragons and beasts, it's only because God didn't figure anyone would believe the world could get that bad.

    1. Haha, can you believe it? This is the end of the world as we know it. Honey Boo Boo, the overnight child celebrity.

  4. Ok to be fair to the mom.......... I'm also terrible at maths but that doesn't mean I'm stupid just that is not my thing (apparently not hers either).

    The show in self is like a car crash, you don't want to watch it but you ended up watching it anyway. It also reminds me of the movie "Idiocracy", look it up, the similarities are scary!

    1. Paola, that is SO true. You literally can't stop watching once you've started. It's awful! I'll have to watch the movie "Idiocracy." I'm a little scared to, though... haha.