Thursday, September 20

Too Much of a Good Thing

sunstroke /sun·stroke/ (-strōk) a condition caused by excessive exposure to the sun, marked by high skin temperature, convulsions, and coma.

You can have too much of a good thing, you know.  

Chocolate: I'm all about it, man.  But if you eat your weight in chocolate, you'll never want another piece as long as you live.  I know this.  I've been there.
Me and Samiie - with wine, not ice cream :)

Ice cream?  I think ice cream is pretty fantastic.  But this one time in Argentina, my bestie Samiie and I split a kilo of ice cream.  Do you know what a kilo of ice cream is?  2.2 pounds.  I ate over a pound of ice cream.  Have you ever done that?  Please tell me you haven't... I'd hate to think that there are more than 2 of us in the world who have eaten over a pound of ice cream in one sitting (haha - sorry, Samiie - I had to share it!).  Needless to say, I didn't want ice cream after that.

Watching Friends is like crack to me.  I have officially seen every episode ever aired.  And I have seen them all at least 5x over.  And I laugh.  Hysterically.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I recently came to adore the song "I've Just Seen a Face" by The Beatles.  And I've listened to it on repeat for a couple weeks now.  And you know what?  I'm sick of it.  If I hear that opening riff one more time, I'm going to scream.

That's my M.O.  I discover something, I fall in love with it, and then I overuse it until I'm sick of it.  Perfume, shampoo, candles, different foods, whatever.  I've "overdosed" on many a good thing.

Sol is now 7 1/2 months old.  Can you believe it?  It feels like just yesterday I was announcing to the world that I was pregnant.  And these first few months have been phenomenal.  This little person amazes me every day, and with each passing second I fall more and more in love with her.

However, it's exhausting.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.  I have a difficult enough time taking care of myself - but then, add a small human in the mix and things get crazy.  In my mind, I'm constantly running through lists of things I need to do.  I'm making physical lists during workday meetings and during dinner.  Remember to buy formula, remember to buy diapers, remember to buy warm-weather clothes for Sol, remember to pay the rent, remember to pay student loans, remember to make my bed, remember to do the laundry, remember to send a birthday card, remember to buy a gift for ____, remember to prepare a report for the meeting next Wednesday, remember to buy food/anything for myself, remember to leave time to go running on my lunch break.  Remember this, remember that.  And considering my innate tendency to forget most things everything, all this list-making/remembering is taking its toll on me.  Yes, I'm proud of the fact that my daughter is well-rested, plump, clean, and cheery every single day (especially considering the fact that I can't even keep a houseplant alive), but I'm exhausted.

The other day I got home from work, put Sol in her pack & play downstairs, went upstairs to put my shoes away, and passed out.  Just like that.  I fell asleep, and I was so exhausted that I couldn't even pull myself awake to go get my crying daughter.  And I've slept through my alarm every morning this week.  Yep, life is exhausting.  I'm tired.  And we haven't even begun the really tough stuff, like gymnastics or soccer practice or Girl Scouts.  

Recently I find myself wondering what I've gotten myself into.  It hasn't even been a year yet, and life as a single mom sometimes seems impossible.  I love spending time with my daughter, but like anything else, overexposure takes its toll on me.  And it's on those tough days when my mind wanders back to an email that Sol's father wrote to me (just about a year ago): "You are not ready to be a single mother.  I know that you have the support of everyone right now, but do you really believe that is going to be enough with this overwhelming 24/7 commitment?  'I can make this work' is a great attitude, but frankly, you have no idea what you are in for in regard to taking care of a baby on your own, and yes, it will be on your own.   People always offer support, whether it’s for births, deaths, or anything else, but a couple weeks then pass and suddenly you are on your own."  

Be careful when you read that.  It's not meant to be supportive or caring, although it's written that way.  It's meant to scare me out of having/keeping the baby.  And you know what?  It's good for me to go back and read things like that.  Because the last thing I want to do is prove that man right.  

I'm a stubborn person.  I will go out of my way to prove someone wrong, especially regarding an issue on which we strongly disagree.  Yes, I'm tired.  Yes, single parenting is taking its toll on me.  And yes, I still feel a wave of disappointment every time I see the local hospital commercial depicting an expectant mother--and her husband--leaving for the hospital.  But life is never as rough as it may seem in one given moment.  This is difficult, but not impossible.  And the best thing I can do right now is live each day with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and insurmountable determination in every shred of my being.  I've done something that Sol's father could never do: I brought a beautiful little girl into the world (without any help from him), and I refuse to let her live a moment of her life thinking that her existence is a burden.  I'm pumped about living the rest of my life proving that Sol is the greatest thing that's happened to me, and that I CAN DO THIS.

Compliments of my dearest Chelsea at Photography Loves Laughter :)

Too much chocolate?  Ice cream?  Friends and the Beatles?  I can go without any of that.  But I can never have too much Sol.  Bring it on.

4 comments:

  1. <3 much love and support, as always :)

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  2. You are an amazing woman, Melanie. Enough said. Te quiero...tu mamacita.

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  3. How funny that Josh's father said almost the exact same thing to me! And I told you last week, those that say they will be around most of the time flake out. And I get it. :) You can call on me ANY time - even if it's just to take her for a walk so you can have some peace. It does get easier as they get older. And being a single mom, well, it's not so bad. I've gotten to do a ton of stuff with Josh that if we were in a traditional family with more kids? We'd never have been able to afford. You'll be OK. Keep telling yourself this. :)

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  4. Oh dear heavens, I can relate to that exhaustion so well, especially lately. And the lists never seem to end. I wonder some days how in the world I'm able to remember as much as I do. Oh yea, that's why I don't sleep. Because every second of the day I'm just on this continuous reel of what needs to be done. The mind needs a break, a rest, and some peace from it all. I so get it. But you're rockin' it. Just remind yourself of that. And oh yes, Vayda is signing up for Girl Scouts, she starts swimming in November and doing a cheer leading event next Friday. And so it begins!

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