Wednesday, August 1

Bless Him, Praise Him, Let Him Go

Tell me you've never done this: you're reading a book, you're really into it, but then you start to lose focus and you find that you've read the last paragraph four times over without realizing it... 


Most days are pretty much the same for me.  I wake up, get myself and Sol ready for the day, drop her off at daycare and drive to work, spend the day at work (probably Googling random things throughout the day), pick Sol up from daycare, go home, probably coat something in spraypaint (holy wow, do I love that stuff), pull a couple staples out of the chair I'm s-l-o-w-l-y trying to reupholster, kick said chair at least twice, send Sol to bed, do the dishes, and head to bed myself. 

And then, peppered far too often throughout the day, I find myself wrapped up in nasty bouts of "I-hate-Sol's-father." 

Yes, still. 

And it's exhausting.

And I hate hating him.

But that's reality.  I'm stuck there.  He still occupies my mind (even if only in negative thoughts), and I especially hate that.  I'm trapped in wishing I'd never met him, wishing I had been smart enough to realize all his "promises" were empty and disturbingly improbable... I should have known he didn't really want to marry me.  I should have known he didn't really want to start a family with me.  I should have seen him for exactly what he is: a deceitful coward who preys on vulnerable minds.  I catch myself wishing that he would have had to walk around sporting a pregnant belly as proof that he's not perfect.  I wish his family and friends would know about the child he fathered (for the record, they have no idea she exists), and I wish he would have to pay as much as I've had to pay, emotionally speaking.  If he has a conscience, and if that conscience is, in fact, causing him any sorrow right now, I wouldn't know.  I don't talk to him, and I don't care to talk to him.

Would it help me, though, if I knew he was in pain?  Probably not.  Last year, I spent many months in my own little purgatory, not knowing what choice to make, afraid to ask for help.  As it turns out, I made the right choice.  And all the worry, fear, and loneliness from last year was invested in making the best decision.  And now I get to reap the benefits for the rest of my life. 

Do I like Sol's father?  Nope.  Am I still feeling the pain and resentment from being dumped after we found out I was pregnant?  Yep.  Do I hope he suffers from severe male pattern baldness and incurable constant diarrhea?  Obviously. 

But I can't get anywhere if I spend hours a day poring over the past.  I want a "Mr. Right" in my life, and I can't make room for Mr. Right if my mind is occupied by Mr. Oh-so-wrong.  I will never be able to see where I'm going if I'm constantly looking back at where I came from.  My emotions and energy will be much better spent focusing on the bright future that lies ahead for me and my daughter.  I can't be bound by him anymore.  We've gotten the financial and legal issues out of the way, and I have been given license to move on with my life.  So I need to do just that.  If there were ever a time to put on my "big girl" pants (you can smile at that, Sarah) and be the bigger person, that time is now.  I can't start the next chapter in life if I keep re-reading the last one. 

One of my favorite skits on the Carol Burnett Show contains the following line: "When confronted with a foe, bless him, praise him, let him go."  It might kill me (okay, okay, maybe that's a *smidge* dramatic), but that's exactly what I'll do.  Regardless of what he's done to me, to Sol, or to anyone else he's wronged, I will bless him, I will praise him, I will let him go.

Ahh, freedom.

4 comments:

  1. As hard as it might be put the negative behind you and the positive in front of you. Positive being Sol. Because (someone has to say it) if not for him you wouldn't have her. And you are so very blessed to have her! He's on his own shopping for Rogaine to cure his baldness.
    Laura

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    1. Thanks, Laura. You're absolutely right - I got one fabulous thing out of this not-so-fabulous situation. Lucky him, he works for a company that manufactures Rogaine :)

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  2. AND he's got genital warts that he picked up in the last few months.. :)

    It's so hard to let go sometimes. My son is 15 and I still find myself poking the beast with his sperm donor sometimes. Because I absolutely hate the fact that he walked away from him. Hate it. It makes me nuts trying to figure out how someone can do that to their own kid. And I know that it takes up more energy to hate him and what he's done than it does to forgive him - but when my son cries about it (which isn't often) - that hurts me. I don't want him back. Shoot - I don't even want him around - he's a jerk and certainly no role model for J. But when J hurts, I hurt. :(

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    1. Thanks, Kathy! I'm glad you know where I'm coming from... :) I'll need your advice in the years to come, when it comes time to tell Sol where her roots are. I know it's going to be hard to just let go and move on, but I'm very excited about it. I want to move past it. It helps that she has no contact with him, and that I have no contact with him either.

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