Saturday, April 21

No Regrets

I've always been indecisive - I've been that way my whole life.  Much of what I do is rushed, incorrect, or sloppy.  My handwriting is "that of a kindergartener," according to my sister Amanda (for the record, I disagree).  My mom recently told me that my writing was so sloppy when I was little that she was worried something was wrong with me [mentally, I think...].  I often change my outfits 3 times each morning before deciding on what to wear that day.  When I leave for work in the morning, I almost always forget something and have to run back in the house.  I'm notorious for buying something one day and returning it the next because I just don't really want it.  I make countless decisions that I later regret.  I suffer from buyer's remorse far too often, and I almost spend more time regretting purchases than actually enjoying them - even practical ones. 

So I'm forgetful, messy, scatterbrained, and often full of regret when it comes to decisions I've made.  Doesn't seem like a positive mix when an unexpected baby comes into the picture.  Sure, I was worried about how I would handle it when Baby B came into the world.  But now that Sol is here, I don't feel regret.  I can't spend my life wondering if both our lives would be better if things had turned out differently - for example, if I'd chosen adoption, or even if Sol had never come to be. 

The reality is, my daughter is here.  Sol is the reason I live and breathe.  She makes it easier for me to spend my days working at a job I hate - it's all for her.  She gives new meaning and purpose to my often-topsy-turvy life.  Sol is everything to me.  And it takes just one glimpse of her in the morning to make that absolutely clear.  Sometimes my mind wanders and I wonder how much easier it might be if I had some time off.  But maybe it's good that Sol and I have only each other, all day, every day, 24/7, no breaks.  I need to give this little girl the most loving, beautiful, fun-filled life.  And every time she smiles at me, that need grows.  It takes one glimpse of her to remind me just how good a choice she was (and still is).  Maybe I'll regret my car, my camera, my shoes, or my purse.  But I'll never regret giving life to Solaya. 

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