Wednesday, January 4

POSITIVE...? QUITE THE CONTRARY.

Many women have, at some point in their lives, feared the little blue plus sign.  I was one of them.  They say the plus sign is a "positive" test result, but if you're not planning on a pregnancy, your reaction to that plus sign is anything but positive. 


Not long ago, I was talking to someone who was recently surprised by a positive pregnancy test.  She's 30.  She and her husband are educated.  They already have kids.  They have a beautiful home and great jobs.  To sum it up, their life seems pretty sweet.  However, they weren't planning on having another baby.  She was telling me the story of what happened when they found out she was pregnant.  She and her husband were both shocked.  They were upset, they weren't talking, and they could hardly sleep.  She woke up the next morning to find him gone.  Naturally, the first thought that popped into her head was that he had left her.  She felt alone and scared.  As I listened to her story, I was choking back tears and my heart was breaking for her.  I know what it's like to be in her position - to feel abandoned and terrified of what's to come.  However, I'm very happy to say that her husband did NOT leave her; he had gone in early to work because he couldn't sleep.  They're very happy now and the whole family is excited for baby-to-be :)
That story is proof: it doesn't matter if you're 16 or 26, married or unmarried, if you have kids or don't have kids. That plus sign can be hell. 


I saw my plus sign on May 25.  And I can assure you that what followed was NOT positive.  I kept a journal for a few months starting immediately after I found out I was pregnant.  Until recently, I refused to look in it because I was afraid of what I would find in there.  And for good reason, because the entries were so drenched in hopelessness that they were nearly impossible for me to read through.  I won't post the entire journal, but here are a few entries:

May 25, 2011: Dear Baby, today I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  Your daddy wasn't happy.  I was very scared.  We both just sat there and wondered what we're going to do.  I don't know if I'm ready to be a mom.  I don't know what to do.
May 26, 2011: Dear Baby, I don't know what to do.  Your daddy didn't show up to work.  He said we were over.  He's looking for a way out. 
May 27, 2011: Dear Baby, your daddy left today.  He's never coming back.  I'm not stupid.
June 9, 2011: Dear Baby, today I'm 24.  And I feel so much older.  Your daddy and I had plans after work today.  But he left me at my apartment and drove off.  On my birthday.  I called and begged him to come back - I wish I were stronger.  I felt very alone on my birthday.  I'm 24, alone, and very sad.  Happy birthday to me :(

Even as I type those entries now, seven months later, the tears still come.  I was sure that I was alone in this.  I was sure that my family would hate me.  It's funny how an obstacle can seem so big that we can't see beyond it.  I wish I had been able to see past the fear and uncertainty of my pregnancy back then - even if only just far enough to reach out for help.  If there's one thing that I've heard over and over again since I shared my news, it's this: don't be afraid to ask for help

We're human.  We are not wired to handle everything alone.  We are social creatures.  We're designed to support and be supported.  And after all my ups and downs these past few months, I solemnly swear that I will never try to handle anything alone again.  Gelato and sobfests in my car didn't fix the problem.  It wasn't until July 18 when I decided to ask for help. 


July 18, 2011:  Dear Baby, I called your aunt Amanda and told her everything.  She was very supportive and she was very mad at your daddy for telling me that his choice was the only choice.  I cried to her on the phone for hours.  I cried and cried untili it felt like I couldn't cry anymore.  She cried, but only because I was alone and had been alone in this for so long.


My sister Amanda was my saving grace. She loved me and helped me see that this was not the end of the world.  After I told her what I was going through, life was better.  Though it took a while for that plus sign to truly feel POSITIVE, I was on the right track.  I just needed a little help.  Sometimes that's all we need.

I write this to show what an amazing gift family can be.  When support is needed, turn to your family.  Your family will love you unconditionally, no matter what.  Your family will bring you back to reality and help you back on your feet.  There's nothing negative about that.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Mel,this is a positive uplifting story!!! I will agree you have a pretty amazing, loving sister. I feel so bless to have her as my daughter in- love. Not only did we get a beautifully loving daughter we got a wonderful extend family.We LOVE you & baby and can't wait to hold & hug& kiss him or her.
    LOVE, Grannie Wanless/ Penny

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  2. God has blessed you with many gifts, Melanie Lynne, not the least of which is writing your thoughts and feelings down in your blogs. The fact that you freely share these writings with others is amazing and wonderful. We all love you and thank you for bringing us along with you on your "motherhood journey." I am so proud of you. Te quiero mucho, m'ija. Mamacita

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  3. I love reading these blogs, but you always seem to make me cry!! I understand what you meant about the positive result not feeling too positive at first. I felt the same way. I am glad your saving grace was Amanda...mine was Erica. Nothing like sharing some scary news with your sister. I am so excited for your little one to arrive! Nothing like a growing family! Love you, Melanie!

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  4. Mel, I LOVE YOU! I have said it before, and I will continue to say it a MILLION times, your blogs are so very inspiring! You are truly going to be the best mommy EVER! Thank you for sharing my story along with yours! I have learned with this baby, that we don't always write the chapters in the story of us, God writes them the way that they are intended to be written. Although at the time, they may seem negative, or unplanned, God knows the path and guides us down the one we are destined to be on. These little blessings of ours, are just that, BLESSINGS! God has a plan, and I know, we both thank GOD and our families for showing nothing but unconditional love. XOXO I love you!
    Jamie

    p.s. my due date is May 25th! For both of us, this date symbolizes the power of that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

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  5. This is so perfect. Thank you for your strength and honesty! I think I love you too, as does Jamie. :)

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